Life's Lessons

Forgive me, but I’m going to go off topic for this entry. With my wife and I moving the family a couple of weeks ago to a new home, I’ve been thinking a lot about all the struggling and hard times so many of us have been and still are going through. Though we have made steps in some ways, like finding a wonderful house for us, we are by no means out of the woods when it comes to struggling to make things happen and to give the kids a sense of normalcy in a time when normal is not at all the norm.

Dianna and I often say we were in a recession before most people even knew there was a recession, or at least before the government would admit that we were in one. Needless to say it has been a long year or so of trying to maintain, and improve, our finances. Moving into a new house isn’t so much a fact of things getting better financially, as it is a fact of circumstances conspiring simply to make this choice the right one at this time. We have no illusion that we are better off, though others on the outside might think so. In fact we know that some would think that we are crazy to move up in house size and house payment at a time when the economy is so bad and money so hard to come by for us and so many people. And yet that is also a lesson of these times. Sometimes the right decision is not about money, but about options and opportunity. When you don’t have a lot of choices presented to you, sometimes you have to choose things you wouldn’t normally. And as I said before, these are not normal times.

And yet as I reflect on our situation, and hear so, so many stories from friends and others about how much financial, job, and family stress there is, I also think about the fact that no matter the situation, if we do not die from it, there is something to learn, to gain, to make us better. The only question is how am I better as a result of all this monetary craziness and struggling to make ends meet?

Part of me thinks that whole “what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger” stuff is just something made up by someone who was an overseer of men to make those who toiled for him feel better about putting up with his crap. But having been through many ups and downs in my life, I have come to realize that actually there is indeed truth in those words. Don’t get me wrong, I have had times when I was making money hand over fist and I have had times where I had no idea where the next dollar was coming from, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I prefer those times when money is easy. But I can also say that I have indeed learned a lot – about myself, my family, my friends, other people and life in general from these down times.

Here are some of the things I learned in no particular order:

-that laughter is free
-that being optimistic, though hard sometimes, makes a big difference
-that my wife is a real trooper and can hang in there no matter what
-that my kids are as happy and full with food off the $1 menu as they are at a
regular restaurant
-that meditation works
-that nature is beautiful and free and all around
-that there are some really really good people out there
-that there are some real sour pusses out there who will enjoy your down moments and
that you have to learn who they are so you can avoid them even in good times
-that my kids have “gotten it” when it comes to learning that the most important
thing is that we are all together
-that my parents were a lot smarter and resilient than I ever gave them credit for
as a kid
-that having lots of money doesn’t make you better than someone else
-that having little money doesn’t make you less than someone else
-and that where you live, and the size of the house, have absolutely nothing to do
with who you are

I could go on, but these are some of the most important. In the end, I have to be grateful for having the opportunity to be a better person. I have often said the best way or time to measure a person in terms of who they really are is how they behave and respond to things going poorly. Most everyone is good and decent when things are going the way they want. It is how you handle the bad that separates you. So I’ll say this about these times, we’re all getting a chance to see not only how we personally handle it, but how those around us do too.

I try to look at every day as a new opportunity to not only make things better financially for my family, but to also see if I can become better at being. The financial thing is not always easy and I some days, many days lately, don’t do so well on that one. But the second daily goal is always in my power and doesn’t cost me anything. And though I can’t say I get better every single day, I do make progress. And the irony is not doing so hot on the first goal is the perfect opportunity and tool for me to do better on the second.

In that sense I guess I should be thankful for these hard times. But believe me, that doesn’t stop me from wishing this particular opportunity would finally pass. Hey I can also learn a lot, I am sure, from being on the upside, you know, things like humility and what not. So I’ll definitely be glad when I get the opportunity to be a better well-off person. The proverbial valley we’ve been in may not be that deep compared to what some others are experiencing, but boy it sure is wide. Guess for now, I’ll just have to keep on keeping on.

Skin Color Is A Useless Way To Define Who We Are

Oh Man I want to see this movie. Check out the trailer below. The movie, called "Skin," is based on a true story about a white woman, in that she was born to two white parents in South Africa, though she had brown skin and African features. Here is what was written about the film on The Loop website:

It's an odd story really, a black girl born to white parents in apartheid South Africa in the 1950s. It may be odd, but it's the real life of Sandra Laing.

She was at the premiere of the film based on her life, Skin, at the Pan African Film Festival in Los Angeles Wednesday night to prove it.

The film synopsis calls Sandra's brown skin and coarse hair texture "a genetic abnormality."

Well, that "genetic abnormality" is otherwise known as a throwback gene. Someone in the Laing clan was passing (for white) and those genes popped back up in Sandra.

The film drew parallels to America's own segregation history and how absolute the racial lines were. Just one little drop of black blood could dramatically alter the course of your life.

The apartheid was indeed more severe, and lasted a good 30 years beyond segregation laws in America. Still, Sandra Laing's experience was the same as countless other mulattos in America — eventually you have to choose a race. And choose she did.

Sandra Laing was beaten, ridiculed and then disowned by her parents after she became pregnant by a black man. After that, she didn't see her mother for 20 years and never saw her father again.

Interestingly enough, the film has sparked conversation and an opportunity to learn from South Africa's grim history. The film's director, Anthony Fabian, showed the film to the South African parliament, and they immediately requested another viewing and are making showing the film mandatory in all schools. (Read about how black history is taught in America.)

How wonderful that a country with such an extreme racial history is so willing to remember and learn from the mistakes of the past. Talk about a push toward post-racism.

Seems like the United States is behind. We're still debating whether we should continue Black History Month now that we have a black president and refusing to talk about our own racist past.

Go figure.

If ever there was an example of the stupidity of our racial classifications this story is it.

Congratulations Tiger and Elin

Congratulations to Tiger Woods and his wife, Elin on the birth of another child, a boy. The pic above is them with their first child and Tiger's mother. What a wonderful picture of the ideal of no more race.

What An Awesome Responsibility

I was just watching my kids, unbeknownst to them, the way parents do some times when we are amazed that we have brought these wonderful little people into the world, and was thinking, what will the world hold for them in the future?

Are we making the right choices on what we do with them, what we teach them?

Will they end up anything like we expect and hope them to be in terms of their morals and attitudes and behavior?

Thinking about it, you realize how little control over it you have as parents and yet how awesome the task is in trying to steer them to where we hope they end up. I can only hope that some of what we teach, both intentionally and unintentionally, since much of what they learn from us won't be things we thought we were teaching, gets through positively. And I certainly hope, and believe it will be the case, that their ethnic mix, will be something that gives them strength and a perspective that gives them a leg up on being the type of people that will do something, even in small ways, that make the world better than it was when they came into it.

Black Is The New Black

Boy it's something how things change, huh?

It seems that all of a sudden being Black is the new thing for 2009. With Barack Obama getting elected and living in the White House it seems like the Republicans have now decided that they had better get on board with the new "trend" and have selected their first ever African-American person to head the Republic Party, Michael Steele. I guess they figure the writings on the wall and they need to show that they are down with the times. And it looks like this year's winning Head Coach in the Super Bowl will also be a black man (not the first though since Tony Dungy already broke that barrier). So we black men had better recognize that this seems to be our year and get going before the clock runs out on us. We're the hot thing. Black is the new black. I even heard Larry King say that his young son told him one night recently that he wanted to Black, that he thought being Black was cool. Well there you go. We are the hot new toy.

I better get going while the goings good before the clock runs out.

We Are Not Post Racial Just Yet

I am cross posting this from my blog over at The Huffington Post (published on Jan. 20).

What a fantastic few days this has been. I am still on a natural high as John Denver would say. Now that President-Elect Obama has gloriously become President Obama we can finally turn our attention to the real work of getting this country back on track and into that famously promised "post racial America."

I, like most people, am realistic enough to know that President Obama cannot fix everything that is wrong with our economy and country. Sure there will be those who are looking for him to fail, waiting for those first missteps. But I think even they can't expect one man to fix in a few months or even a few years what has taken eight years to mess up. But I am indeed amazed at the number of people, in the media and that I know personally, who truly do expect America to be now and forever free of its ethnic, religious and racial differences. And this is not coming solely from White Americans who some might think are doing a bit of wishful thinking that minorities can now stop complaining about getting a fair shot. I have also come across some Black Americans who seem to believe that President Obama is going to make everything OK for everybody, or that all Black people's credit scores are now raised as one comedian joked... Doesn't Obama doesn't have enough on his shoulders?

But frankly I have to admit, I too used to think the success of one Black man (and I refer to him as Black since he himself chooses that descriptive) would mean that all Black people would rise with him, that when strangers looked at me from now on, they would think Obama and not Willie Horton or some other more recent negative association. I clearly remember the day after Obama's surprising win in the Iowa caucus, the win that caused most of us to believe that where we are today was possible, how when I was out in public I walked a bit taller, a bit prouder, feeling that everyone who saw me surely must be thinking positive thoughts about me and all Black people. After all, the Obamas proved that all of us were not bad, that some of us were even educated and people to be admired. But that feeling did not last long for me. As the campaign waged on and all the ugliness of the Jeremiah Wright affair, the rise of PUMA, the William Ayers mess, the Bill Clinton coded words after New Hampshire and in North Carolina, after all that, any notion that race was not going to play a factor in Obama's life, and mine as well, was washed away for the most part.

And still, like so many others, I couldn't help myself, there was still a bit of hope, of the belief that the oft-mentioned post-racial America Obama was supposed to usher in, was real. Is it real? Is it coming?

Well, I can definitely say that it is not here yet. But that doesn't mean that it's not on the way or that the inauguration of President Obama, and the multiracial coalition of people who helped him get to this day, are not signs that our nation is indeed moving on a path to that promised land. I do believe that we are undeniably closer to that ideal now than we have ever been in our country's history. And that is certainly worth celebrating.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Post racial we are not. Even President Obama has acknowledged that one man, one term of office, is not enough to change our history and the stain of race. The very fact that a whole new level of heated and passionate racial debate has arisen in the blogosphere related to whether Obama is America's first Black President or whether he is our first Mixed or Bi-Racial President is proof that race still matters to many people. To many the distinction is incredibly important, some believing the debate itself to be another example of those in the majority trying to take something away from Black people by denying that Obama is fully Black. But whatever one thinks about the debate, the fact that it is being waged is the key. And as I said before I have even encountered blacks who act like President Obama's swearing in and triumph means that they have the right to demand anything they want. I have seen examples of this on more than one occasion. The most recent involved a young Black man who was hawking his band's music CD to passersby on the street in downtown Burbank. When people, including me, wouldn't stop and heed his call to buy his CD, he actually invoked Obama to try to shame us into buying. He addressed me particularly, angrily actually, that times were different and Obama's election meant that I should feel obligated to support him as a sign of solidarity. The fact that he was being an ass or that I, and others passing, simply might not be interested in his music at that time weren't even considerations to him. All that mattered was his expectation that Obama's victory meant that we should all want to buy his album since he was, like Obama, Black.

It matters greatly that we now have, in The White House, a person and a family that has dark skin pigmentation, if only because it allow us to tell our kids that they too can be President some day and really mean it. We can now say America has indeed, at least in this case, in this ideal, lived up to its promise that anyone can ascend to the highest office. But incidents like the guy on the street and the recent police shootings of young black men in San Francisco, Houston and Philadelphia, are certainly proof that the mere existence of President Obama cannot lull us into believing that we have reached the pinnacle of racial progress in America. It is true that the only time we will surely know we have become post racial is when the election of a Black person, a Hispanic person, a Muslim, or a woman, is not really newsworthy by itself. Oh, do I look forward to that time.

But for now I am, like most of you, thrilled that we have at least gotten to where we are today, able to witness what we saw on Inauguration Day. We may not be post racial yet and Obama hasn't solved our economic crisis in his first days in office, but what we are witnessing every time we see him and Michelle and those darling girls actually living in The White House is a seismic shift that, at the very least, lets us know if we continue to work at it (and we all have to do our part as Obama said) that the America we want, that post racial America, will get here, and maybe even sooner than we expect.

"The View" Debates Mixed "Race"

I never really watch "The View" but every once in a while they do have interviews that are newsworthy and that get my attention. Conservative columnist and author Ann Coulter was on this week promoting her new book. While much of the post show media attention has relelated to Coulter's argument that single mothers are to blame for most of society's ills (certainly a ridiculous assertion), the part that peaked my interest the most was the discussion around Coulter's segment of her book where she apparently takes some prominent Mixed people - President-Elect Obama, Halle Berry, and Alicia Keyes - to task for what she says is their convenient labeling of themselves as Black because it benefited them, even, as she put it, while ignoring their white mothers, who in each of their cases, raised them when their Black fathers were not around. Needless to say it is an interesting argument.

Equally interesting was the lead in to the Coulter segment when the hosts of "The View", mainly Whoopie Goldberg, Barbara Walters, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck, gave their own opinions as to why these prominent individuals and other Mixed people rightfully chose to call themselves Black, mainly because, as Whoopie put it, the world will view them as such, so that is what they are.

Now while I am not a fan of Coulter, as I think her opinion on this is based simply on arguing against anything and anybody liberal or minority, I do have to say that I also don't completely agree with the women on "The View."

I do believe Mixed people have a right to make their own determination about which part of their identity they most identify with and feel comfortable claiming, but I also think the opinion of "the world" has nothing to do with it. The minute we give in to the idea that "the world" is the decision maker on who and what we are, is the time we might as well accept all kinds of silly and often racist notions. And I do think there is something a bit wrong in walking around calling oneself as simply one thing, Black, all the while standing next to mothers, in these cases white mothers or grandmothers, especially if that mother raised you in a "white environment." Don't get me wrong, I do get the point made on "The View" that if Obama or Berry or Keyes stood up and said "I'm White" they would be laughed off the stage because they certainly don't look the part.

But therein lies the rub. Halle Berry, Alicia Keyes. Barack Obama, and many others, have as much right to call themselves White as they do Black. It would be equally true. Or equally wrong. Regardless of what they look like. And what of all the other mixtures - Asian and White, Hispanic and Black, Indian and White? And all the others? Are they all supposed to wait for society to tell them what they are allowed to call themselves? Regardless of reality or how they feel or how they were raised?

As for Ann Coulter's view, I think she got one key part wrong. I don't think our society ever makes it "convenient" or "advantageous" as she insinuates, to identify as Black. I'm not sure which world she lives in on that one. Our society, and world, doesn't give out too many bonuses for dark pigmentation, at least not compared to the ways we have been, and in some ways continue to be, penalized for it. So the fact that the three people she mentioned chose to call themselves Black may have a lot to do with the one drop rule being all powerful in most people's eyes, but it certainly wasn't a choice made of political or career expediency.

Well, I've been saying this issue was going to get a lot more attention thanks to Obama's rise, and this brouhaha is just the beginning. As I've said before, I welcome the debate. It can only help us move forward. Below are two key segments of the show. If you haven't seen it, check 'em out. Very entertaining, and a precursor of more to come I'm sure.